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Making good on his promise of a new healthcare plan to replace Obamacare, today President Trump released details of his own plan, featuring a "miracle" cure-all elixir.
Under the new plan, people will no longer be covered by government-subsidized insurance or expanded Medicare, but you will be able to buy bottles of Rube-i-tussin™Freedom-Care elixir from the TrumpRx website. In a press conference, President Trump claimed, "The new elixir will do everything Obamacare did and much, much more!" The president went on to say, "it cures Arrhythmia, cancer, Kung-flu, smallpox, gunshots, wokeness, gingivitis, lumbago, atheism, tonsillitis, liberal bias, malaria, ulcers, diarrhea, toothaches, Islam, fallen arches, herpes, homosexuality, lymphoma, boils, constipation, nearsightedness, farsightedness, hangnails, broken bones, colitis It's time to get the government out of your doctor's office and fix all that ails you with a nice fresh bottle of Rube-i-tussin™ (now with bleach.)"
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Washington DC: The White House announced today, that all tariffs will be set daily by countries competing on a prime-time game show called "The Tariff is Right". President Trump will host the show where representatives from all our trading partners will compete to set the rate of their tariffs for the coming day. The Friday night tariffs will be in effect till the Monday night show. The show will feature a giant wheel which will allow the tariff to be set anywhere from 5% to 200%. The President said, "This will be the highest rated show in the world, like nothing anyone has ever seen. The numbers will be huge. People tell me I'm a genius for coming up with this; some saying maybe I have an IQ even higher than Einstein's." Kristi Noem will co-host the show, featuring elaborate cosplay costumes each night.
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President Trump has barricaded himself in the Oval Office and refuses to come out, after DOGE fired his entire Secret Service Detail. Apparently, one of Elon Musk’s child laborers was combing through expense entries in the early hours of Monday morning and flagged the entire detail for termination.
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White House officials claim to have been tricked by the Russians after allowing KGB surveillance specialists into the oval office during a meeting with President Donald Trump and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. White House spokesman, Harvey Liesaton, said, “They told us they were Foreign Minister Lavrov’s ‘personal cable guys’, so we really didn’t think anything of it. If they had been honest and told us they were KGB, we may not have let them in there.”
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Washington, D.C. - On the heels of electing the first black president, the United States has knocked down another barrier by electing the world’s first internet troll, Donald J. Trump, to head of state. Della Katflour, spokesperson for the ACLU said, “This is a great day for what has been a long stigmatized element of our society. I think we will see internet trolls everywhere coming out of the darkness of their parent’s basements and proudly tweeting in the light of day.”